Whining Toddler

Dear Deb,
My three year old son is whining a lot.  At first I thought that it was just a faze but now it seems to stay here.  I always tell him to speak in regular voice but that helps less and less.  I do not see what I am doing wrong and how to motivate him to stop.  We have got to the stage where his whining makes me really, really angry - particularly if it happens at times of pressure.
Help.

Dear Parent,

All kids whine at some point, especially toddlers. Whining seems to escalate when children are over-tired, bored or frustrated about some issue that is out of their control. Whining can push our buttons as parents and actually make the situation worse. Although it can be very challenging, especially in ‘times of pressure’, it is extremely important to remain calm. The more upset we get, the longer the whining will remain. ‘Calm’ is the key!

What to do:
-Encourage your child to use his words, not the whining, to get your attention.  “I’m sorry, I can’t understand you; please use your big boy voice.” This strategy can take awhile but be consistent and keep repeating the same statement over and over calmly. Don’t try to explain or expand on the situation, just calmly repeat…”I can’t understand you, please use your big boy voice”.
-Demonstrate how to talk (without whining and getting angry yourself).  Ask them, “how could you say it in your big boy voice” “what would that sound like”. If they respond “no’ or “I don’t know” offer to show them. It would probably sound like this….”
-Teach your child, what they could say. “Mom, (calmly) may I watch another show”.
-Ignore (if possible; that means no eye contact, no voice, and shoulders squared away from the child, because our body language still does give a message to them). Ignoring is hard to do but it gives a clear message. Remember, if you start this strategy, stay the course (unless there is an issue of danger or safety), otherwise, we give them the message that you just have to whine longer to get what you want.
-Take a break by removing yourself from the situation if possible…to take a few deep breaths and calm down instead of losing it.

What NOT to do:
-Reward the whining by giving them your attention or giving in to the request. This means we have to be extra calm and consistent when the whining has gone on for 15- 20 minutes.
-Yelling “stop whining” won’t work as your child wants your attention and yelling gives him the message he got your attention and the whining did work. Ignoring is more powerful than admitting they got to you.
-Threaten- “If you don’t stop whining, you’re not….going to the birthday party!!” We often say something we won’t be able to stick to and usually threats are only short lived.

One of the best ways to address any parenting issue that has gone on for a while is to join other parents in a supportive and informational group to explore solutions together.

 I invite you to join our upcoming groups/workshop:
Build Character, Build Self-esteem
Date: Tuesday, November 10/09
Time: 7:00-9:00pm
Location: KW Counselling Services, 480 Charles Street East, Kitchener

Raising your Spirited Child
Date: Saturday, November 14/09
Time: 9:00am – 4:00pm
Location: KW Counselling Services, 480 Charles Street East, Kitchener

And visit our website www.kwcounselling.com to register for these and other workshops and to find more parenting and counselling information.

Happy Parenting,
Deb